Dear Church….

I’ve come to you many times. I’ve attended worship services. I’ve prayed alone and I’ve prayed with others. You’ve reminded me that I’m a great sinner and I’ve begged God to forgive me. But, I’m still empty. The balm you’ve offered hasn’t worked. I’m too broken for that and the darkness that dwells inside of me is worse than death itself.

You’ve spoken to me about forgiveness many times, but forgiveness is impossible when your soul has been killed by another person. I suspect that you don’t realize how hard it is for me to do what you suggest. Is it my “duty” to forgive the man who raped me when I was just a little child? Is it my duty to “let the past be the past,” and to get-on with the rest of my life as if what happened didn’t change me in an inalterable way? You speak about God’s forgiveness. I need God’s embrace. You tell me that God walks beside me, but don’t you realize that I can see your eyes falling to the ground and hear your voice quiver when I ask you to tell me where God was when I needed a God who has power to stop a rape? I even have to wear a mask when I go to church because I know that you can’t embrace what you don’t want to understand. Some of your preachers and pastors tell me that God wants me to succeed and prosper. I don’t want to get out of bed.

I suspect that people come to the Church for many reasons.  Some don’t feel “right” if they don’t.  Some people come because they want to know who’s there (or who isn’t there), so that they can feel more “holy” than other people, and look down on other people and criticize them.  Some people come marching into the doors of the Church wanting to take over a position of leadership because they’re not allowed to be a leader in any other part of their lives.  I sometimes think that churches even attract people who are abusive because, if they’re ever called on the carpet because of their inappropriate behavior, they can always claim that the people who criticize them aren’t really “acting like Christians.” There are silent screamers.  Some of them know that they’re dying and look to the Church for peace.  Others really want to live their lives in the “proper way” – but keep missing the mark and need to be offered another chance.

Some are people whose souls have been killed by other people. People like me.

Please try to understand what makes you feel so uncomfortable when you hear stories about little boys being raped by grown men. I’m counting on you. Please look into your heart and try to understand why the sexual abuse of little boys—and even grown men—drives you into a deep silence that cuts me to the very heart every time I see it.

I need you. But, even more than that, I need the healing balm of a message that tells me that I’m still worthy of God’s embrace. I don’t believe I deserve it—and not because I’ve committed a sin that needs to be forgiven.

Chrys